How often have you been asked whether you are successful? This particular question can be shaped and molded in many different ways: What do you do for work? Do you make a lot of money? What kind of car do you drive? Are you married? Do you have any children?
While these questions may be categorized as ‘small talk’ or basic-level communication, what they are truly serving as, in many cases, are ways for someone to measure your worth; a way for them to determine how successful, or unsuccessful, you really are. I find that to be strange, that we sometimes allow others to determine how successful we are, based on answers to questions like the ones above.
In essence, defining your own success is paradoxical; that is, it is both harder than it sounds, yet it can be as easy as you allow it to be.
Comparing Success
Defining your own success is more difficult than it sounds because we are constantly surrounded and influenced by what other people choose to share, particularly on social media. The vast majority of your friends and family are on social media, and I am sure you have noticed certain patterns: people post what they choose to post, and what they choose is usually, if not always, a reflection of their happiness and/or success.
Whether it is a picture or video of their current vacation spot, relaxing on a hammock, a full-view of their succulent steak, or a barrage of gifts from their loved ones, people will show you what they want to show you: their success.
Now imagine you are having a bad day–which I am sure happens more often than you would like. How easy is it for you to compare your current situation–the same one that you choose not to share with the world–with others? Now imagine you do this multiple times per week, or (hopefully not) per day, how debilitating can this constant comparison feel? There are many other reasons why defining our own success is difficult, but spending a lot of our time comparing ourselves to others on social media is perhaps the biggest hurdle to overcome.
I am not here to dissuade you from using social media, or to advocate for a social media-less life. I am simply highlighting, if we are not careful, the detrimental effects of comparing our own lives and success with others; it just so happens that the most prominent way of falling into this comparison trap today is through social media.
Even if we remove social media from the equation, it is still very easy to fall into this comparison trap. Our friends may tell us about the new jobs they have been offered or the new cars they are planning to buy while we sit at home jobless and/or carless, or working in a job that makes us miserable or driving a car that barely functions.
Sometimes, naturally, we are bound to feel that we are not as successful. Well, you might be thinking, rather, that we should just be happy for our friends. Of course we should, but ask yourself this: have you ever been happy for a friend’s success, yet, somehow, you felt even a tinge of jealousy, negativity, or questioned whether you are successful at all? Of course you have; you’re not perfect.
Many of us have heard of the old saying: comparison is the thief of joy. It really, truly is. How can we expect to be happy and to find success in our lives when we are constantly comparing our lives to others? There will always be someone more successful than you, no matter who you are, so why are we wasting our time and energy comparing ourselves to others?
Maybe it’s in our nature, but that does not mean we should always entertain it. Sometimes comparisons can be useful, as long as we use others’ success to inspire and motivate us to be better. The issue with comparing our lives and success to others becomes detrimental when we obsess about others’ success and fixate on what we are currently lacking.
Defining Your Own Success
However, on the bright side, defining your own success can be as simple as you allow it to be, as long as you follow these key principles:
#1: You must truly understand and be aware of how powerful your own thoughts can be to your health and emotional intelligence.
Your thoughts have a powerful impact on both your health and emotions, particularly because of the mind-body connection, which is the intricate relationship between our thoughts, emotions, and physical well-being.
Negative or anxious thoughts will activate the body’s stress response, specifically the ‘fight or flight’ response that is deep-rooted in us. Negative thoughts will have us feeling uneasy and possibly threatened in one way or another, and a heavy, consistent dose of this will surely affect our health over time.
Conversely, positive thoughts can have a more calming effect on our health, especially long term. Whether it is self-talk, mindfulness, or prayer and faith, these practices will re-program and enhance our mind-body connection in more positive and healthy ways.
I am sure you have heard of the Law of Attraction: the theory that positive and negative thoughts can correspond with experiences and outcomes. This theory essentially revolves around the notion that everything in the universe is made up of energy, including our thoughts.
So, if you maintain positive thoughts, you are more likely to attract positive outcomes. Equally, if you are constantly dwelling on negative experiences and thinking negatively, chances are you will attract more negativity in your life.
A quick example: Person A is hanging out with a group of co-workers and spends the entire evening smiling, laughing, and making friendly jokes with his co-workers. Person B, on the other hand, is constantly obsessing over a parking ticket he received earlier in the day; this person spends the evening sulking and rarely engaging in conversation.
Of the two people, who is more likely to receive some sort of positive reciprocation? Sure, Person A is more friendly and outspoken, which will result in more conversation in and of itself. But let’s think about it more deeply: why else is Person A more likely to gain more positive reciprocation? Think about what his co-workers, or even you, might feel being around this positive energy. We have all felt a sense of comfort, or energy, or ‘vibe’ being around certain types of people, and that energetic feeling alone is enough to attract us to that person. Even if you remove certain personality traits or characteristics from the equation, you are bound to be in a situation where you simply feel more connected to someone, whether you can explain it or not; that feeling, that energy, it is real.
#2: Understand that each person and their life’s journey is unique; no two lives will ever be the same, and therefore should not be compared in the same ways.
This second principle is crucial in defining your own success and happiness, and directly correlates with the often unhealthy practice of comparing success.
When we step back from our busy and stressful lives and think about how lucky we are to be alive, we also need to take a moment to think about how lucky we are that we are different from everyone else. I think what makes life so beautiful is that no two people will ever be the same, past, present, and in future.
Understanding this idea allows us to not only create and shape our own individual and unique path, but it offers us the comfort and freedom in realizing that since we are each one-of-a-kind, it only becomes logical that we judge and assess our success in our own way, without the need for outside noise or comparisons.
An attempt to paint a picture: the average human lifespan is somewhere around 73 years. That’s around 2.3 billion seconds. Now imagine each person is tasked with walking across a 2.3 billion foot beach, hypothetically, of course. Each person who does this will surely take a step, or path, that is different from the next person, and the next, and so on.
Essentially, each person is taking a different path. Some people may walk closer to the water, others closer to the shore, some may step on shells, others may walk where the sand is cleaner and safer. Some people may try to follow others, some will try to discover different parts of the beach during their long journey. When it’s all said and done, each person will have traveled a different path.
The same idea applies to our everyday lives. Rather than comparing the path and steps that we took on the beach to someone else’s, why don’t we focus on the path and steps we took and try to define our own success along the way. If all we do is fixate on the path and steps that others took, we leave ourselves very little energy to appreciate our own successful path.
Maybe along the way we achieve some sort of personal fulfillment as we learn to live authentically and cultivate meaningful relationships with others. Maybe we learn that what makes us successful and happy is how we treat others, especially others in need.
Maybe along the way we achieve a multitude of personal and professional goals, academic success, and make enough money to live comfortably. Maybe we become millionaires.
Maybe along the way we find that overcoming adversity and challenges teaches us that failures are opportunities for growth rather than setbacks.
Maybe along the way, however long it takes, we learn to be happy.
A quote by John Lennon: “When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment. I told them they didn’t understand life.”
Many people you encounter will resort to measuring success based on the amount of money earned. While this is a reasonable definition, it is not the ultimate, nor only, definition.
For me, I define success as happiness. I find happiness in having control of my life and helping others as often as I can, and spending quality time with my loved ones.
But that’s my definition; what’s yours?
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